I think for me, my story started when I was a teenager trying to find myself in the world. All I wanted was for people to like me, to fit in. I came from a very caring, loving family and didn’t want for anything. I had everything that I needed but at school I settled into a peer group that was outspoken and a little wild. We would smoke and push the boundaries at school and at home. I would often drink and smoke cannabis with these friends and that only continued as I got older. I liked getting attention – being the person that people noticed and knew and having a name for myself. I suppose I am still like that but today it’s for the right reasons.
I liked getting attention – being the person that people noticed and knew and having a name for myself.
There were consequences for my behaviour, but I didn’t really listen, and I soon found myself in a relationship with an older guy. I was 15 and he was 20. I was a child, and he was an adult. When I look at the world now and what I have learnt, I know that he should have known better. The relationship was controlling from the beginning, but everything seemed like a fairy-tale. I was 15 and thought I knew everything. He promised me the world. I soon started taking amphetamines. He would tell me I didn’t want it and act surprised when I asked for drugs so that he could say that he had never offered it to me. It gave me a false sense of control (and him deniability) and soon became a regular thing. I ran away from home at 15. I believed that my parents would stop me seeing him and the older me wishes they had been able to in some way. I was in a coercive relationship and using drugs, thinking to myself, “this isn’t fun anymore”, but I was so far in I couldn’t see a way out. He would tell me, “If you go home, they will never let me see you”. Looking back I can see the pain that my parents and family went through. It was torture, they blamed each other for not seeing it before and for not being able to do anything. It was too late for me to go back home and make it right, I was committed to my choice.
I ran away from home at 15
My Cannabis and amphetamine addiction led me into the world of dealers and users. We moved from house to house but were never far away from dealers and crime. It felt exciting for a while. We knew dealers in every town. It didn’t last. Anything we had in the bank disappeared straight away, we owed people money and he controlled everything. My most shameful crime in that time was breaking into my parent’s empty old house to take things that we could sell. We got caught and I took the blame, I thought what I would do without him if he went to Prison, I didn’t think about what could happen to me. Seeing the disappointment in my dad’s eyes broke me.
In 2001 I got pregnant and that’s where everything started to spiral even more. It was not only my life anymore. The dealing continued and although I stopped using amphetamine, I continued to smoke Cannabis. He didn’t stop at all, and the party sessions didn’t stop either. Social Services soon became involved and stayed involved for the next 5 years. Although we attended Social Services meetings nothing changed. I had my son when I was 17 and it was a shock to the system, now I had a drug habit and a little person that needed me. I did my best with little support. Often there was no money for food, and I would need to borrow from the local shop to feed him. This continued until I had my second son in 2004. I went in the ambulance to the hospital on my own as the babies’ dad was on a come down. I did everything on my own for the kids. I dealt with all the negatives, the stress, the social workers, the meetings, he never did anything to help.
I had my son when I was 17 and it was a shock to the system
The first good thing Social Services did was got me back in touch with my Family through their meetings. They helped me do what felt impossible. They started me on the path to heal that broken relationship with my parents, that was incredible. After I had my second son, I started to have contact with my mum again and she would often meet me to see the boys. The second good thing that Social Services did was refer me to the drug service where I met a lovely lady called Collette. I remember her so well. She told me “You can do this” and told me she thought I would be a great drug worker. Collette planted a seed- she gave me a note with information about a course I could do to become a drug worker. I kept that piece of paper for years. She changed the way I thought about myself.
The day my life changed was when I had toothache and was on a come down. Social services completed an unannounced home visit, and I was rude and frustrated. I told the social worker to leave when she told me she was concerned about the children. I knew things were about to change. The boy’s dad had left to get drugs, so I was alone. I looked out of the window and saw three police cars pull up outside. I was frozen, the police came in and police protected my children and removed them from my care, but it left me broken and alone. When he came back the first thing, he did was ask me why I let the police in and why I didn’t fight for the children. I had no fight. I called my Mum and Dad; it was the only thing I could do. My parents took me to the Police station to try and find my children, but we couldn’t, they had been taken out of area. Social services had been involved for so long. I had years of prewarning, but the situation hadn’t changed. The police told me that they couldn’t leave them with me any longer was a turning point for me. I discovered that I could not have got out of that situation if the kids were still there. This was the best thing Social Services ever did for me although I didn’t realise at the time.
I called my Mum and Dad; it was the only thing I could do.
The next few weeks were awful. Seeing the children happy with someone else was what hurt the most and I struggled to let them go. We had contact every weekday and I would walk there if there was no other way. I didn’t miss any time that was available and, on a few occasions, went alone. I stopped using Amphetamine and Cannabis, but he continued. Benefits were paid to him, and it would go straight away on paying the drug debt and buying more Amphetamine. When I tried to leave, I was faced with threats and then I would stay to protect my boys because they had been hurt too much. He insisted that the boys would be coming back to us. I think he believed that himself.
I decided that things needed to change, and I knew had to make a plan to get away. I had tried to leave before but he threatened to take his own life if I left. I waited until he had gone out with his mother, so I knew he was not alone. I had already packed and hidden my bags, I called my dad and he drove to collect me. That was when my new life started. I got home and cried. I apologised, but how could that ever be enough for the pain that I caused for so many years? The next couple of weeks I spent recovering myself and focusing on my new plan, to get my sons back into my care. In the end it only took me two months to prove that I could safeguard my children with the support of my family and live a drug free life. My dad helped me find accommodation; without that we wouldn’t have had a home for the boys to return to.
The toughest part of my journey was learning to be a mother again. I forgot how to. After a year of not doing the normal stuff, I had forgotten how tough being a full-time parent was. It was heart-breaking to see them ill and there was so much to do; get ready for school and to bed on time, make sure they had brushed their teeth, made their beds, that they had lunch packed, homework done, clean uniform, all while managing the housekeeping. The little things we do without thinking. I remember sitting at my mum’s one day and telling her “I don’t know how to be a mum, I’ve forgotten”. Addiction had made me miss my children’s childhood and stopped me being the mum they deserved. The only support that I received when my children were returned to my care was from my family. He didn’t fight to see them. Social Services disappeared and didn’t offer any support with the trauma that any of us had been through.
The toughest part of my journey was learning to be a mother again. I forgot how to.
I started a job and started to build our home, I safeguarded the children and stopped contact as he was still using drugs. I had started to see how wrong our relationship was. However, I only realised that it was abusive after doing the Certificate in Community Justice course that Collette had told me about and starting to work as a Family intervention worker. During my domestic violence training I could see my teenage self in what I was learning about. It was shocking but enlightening. I don’t blame anyone, but I began to reach an understanding about how easy it is to fall into those relationships without knowing. I was in an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship that had started from 15.
I carried on with my new life with the boys and my family and started a new relationship. This relationship was immediately different. He was supportive, not controlling, loving and respectful. We enjoyed time together and time apart, he empowered me to achieve and grow. We took our time getting to know each other and introducing our children as he also had a son. I had my guard up but, slowly, I realised that this was what love should have been like all along. We have been together for 12 Years and we got married last year. Our boys are 21, 18 and 17, men.
15-year-old me would never have believed that her life could ever look like this. I have all my family relationships back, a job that I love, a car, my own home, savings, a bank account. I have found freedom and together we built an amazing home full of love. Teenage me thought she had found her fairy-tale, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. Life now is the fairy-tale. That’s why I do my job, to give someone hope at their lowest and show them what can change. I have a passion for supporting families, not only because of what I have been through with mine, but because we need to understand more. Addiction isn’t a choice, people get stuck, and they are often kept there by fear.
15-year-old me would never have believed that her life could ever look like this.
I will always be thankful for Collette. She saw me and not my addiction. She saw my potential and here I am now. My journey has enabled me to work on myself. I was groomed, coerced into an emotionally abusive relationship but today I show other people what recovery can look like. To see recovery installs hope. I say, “I’ve been where you are, let’s do this together”.
Help is out there – it’s about accepting it and making changes for yourself. I will always be repairing the relationships that I damaged through my addiction but also making happy memories every day moving forward.